• bakedesigns

What with me no longer working with Jacob anymore, and subsequently seeing him very rarely I approached him to write an open letter to his followers detailing the past six months of his life since I moved away from Bristol. Here it is, in full.

So here it is, a short letter for anyone who is bored enough to read.

Firstly I would like to apologise in advance as I haven’t wrote anything lengthy since I was at college several years ago.

As you most likely know myself and Ben have unfortunately lost the fortune of face to face communication because of Bens decision to abandon his friends and make us all miserable, and the knock on effect of that is that the blog has come to a standstill, Hench this ‘letter’.

You may be wondering, ‘What has that handsome chap been doing with his life’ and that is exactly what I am going to tell you!

Since the blogs absence I have worked my way up in the world of employment, and Ben (if he hadn’t have left) would now be my ‘bitch’. Yes believe it or not, I am a member of a small management team in charge of the staff of a reputable retail store.

However, I as positive as this may sound there is a downside, I have been ill for the last 4 or so months, after a short holiday to Ibiza with one of my friends, Smanging Ho’s and disco dancing, in the rave scene, I contracted a mystery illness which hinders my everyday activities and has yet to be diagnosed. I have had more blood tests than I care to count (thieving doctors are most likely using my blood to develop a race of super humans) I have had an endoscopy (where they put a camera down your throat and have a little gander to see if anything unusual is going on in your stomach) which was a very unpleasant experience. And I have had a whole bunch of supposed to be ‘medical specialists’ tell me a gigantic concoction of bullshit and pass the responsibility between one and other. And on top of that, I have arms that resemble that of a junkie, covered in needle puncture holes and bruises.

At present I am healing a mouth full of stitches from having had all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed, another less than pleasurable procedure, I have never ate so much chicken soup in my life.
To summarise, I am a BOSS! However I fucking hate my life! The NHS is a complete failure, And Spain is pretty much a no go zone, full of dirty, disease ridden Spaniards who have ruined my life forever.

Peace and Love – Jacob

P.S - If you are an attractive female who was moved deeply by this tale of the courage of a brave young man, feel free to send me pictures of yourself naked in an attempt to cheer me up.

P.P.S - Or money.

I like Nicki Minaj, I’d sling one up her.
And she’s got big old bits.
Voluptuous jiggly ones.
Jacob McCaw
  • Ben: £30 on your Dad? Does he deserve it?
  • Jacob: Yeah if he stops being such a cunt.... No don't write that down! I don't want my blog to just be a list of people I've called a cunt.
  • Ben: That guy was well tall, did you see him?
  • Jacob: Yeah he was wearing a red coat! That was equally as important.
Sometimes Ben, do you wish you were an aeroplane?
….
I’ll take your silence as a yes.
Jacob McCaw
My dog wouldn’t dare eat anything he shouldn’t.
I’d bite his ear.
I’d lay on top of him and bite his ear, then he sings.
It’s ok because he’s human sized.
Jacob McCaw
  • Ben: Yeah, Mala's pretty miserable.
  • Jacob: She'll be even more miserable when I message her a photo of some girl sucking my dick... Which probably won't happen by the way.
  • Ben: A strange Albanian.
  • Jacob: What with no pigment or nothing?
  • Ben: No, Albanian.
  • Jacob: Oh, as in not Albino. I thought I was being clever.
Imagine if that was in my eye!
Corner first!
I could be not see!

Jacob McCaw

After I had thrown a piece of card at him

OH! What a cunt wagon!
Jacob McCaw
I imagine you would swing a golf club better if you were naked.
Jacob McCaw
I remember when my life ambition was to be James May.

Jacob McCaw

Referring to a floppy haired middle-aged customer

I’d rather go to Ibiza than sit in a muddy field in shitty England listening to Blink 182 with a bunch of cunts.
Jacob McCaw

The other day I filmed jacob on my phone for a while. You’ll work out pretty quickly who’s voice is whose.

It’s long and it’s slow but it’s worth it.

  • Jacob: Feel my hair, it's so soft.
  • Ben: Yeah I guess.
  • Jacob: Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's something.